Friday October 30th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Letterman: Dick Cheney portrait with following eyes. Larry King has trouble saying E Coli. More fun than reading the Palin novel: getting broadsided by an ambulance. Kids in Halloween costumes: girl dressed as Kate Gossellin’s hair, girl dressed as, not in, a slanket, Mahmoud, Mohmar Kadafi and Hugo Chavez, tupperware full of leftovers, vibrating Cheesecake Factory disc, Mayor Bloomberg who can’t see over his podium, the stuff that comes with sushi, Ted Williams frozen head stuck in tuna can, balloon boy, and Joaquin Phoenix. Top 10 signs you’re at a lame Halloween party. Regis Philbin talks about a variety of topics with Dave including trying to sing to him. The commercial bumper was all the kids eating pizza, but the Joaquin Phoenix one was still in costume. Then Regis and Dave hit each other with pies. Weezer performs in snuggies with Weezer written on them and all the kids on the living room set behind them.

Conan: La Bamba is the only one who dressed for Halloween and it is a french maid outfit. A Halloween Dose of Joy was the usual puppies this time dressed up with Frankenstein heads and black shirts. The staff member who was complaining about the lack of a black drinking day shows a video of him at Halloween in Universal Studios including going into a haunted house and showing his own haunted black house filled with things black people are afraid of. A guy comes out with the world’s biggest pumpkin and discusses it with Conan, then they go outside and Conan talks to a monster truck driver who then proceeds to run it over. After the break Conan is with Andy to talk about it and Conan says he ran to the pumpkin after it was first smashed not knowing that the truck was coming back a second time so he had to run for his life. Susie Essman. Alice in Chains perform.

Fallon: Jimmy’s weekly thank you letters. Before the break Jimmy does an ad for Left for Dead 2 just talking about the game, STUPID. Wanda Sykes talks about her new late night show, her wife and shows a picture of her in an Elmo costume on the Today show. Josh Charles talks about his career and shows a clip of himself doing really good at standup at age 10. The Amazing Kreskin does a trick with audience members where the tables underneath their hands shake around. Just some crap where the pressure of the arms on the cheap tables makes them vibrate around. Andrew Bird performs.

Ferguson: The set has fancy Halloween lighting to start the show while the Crocodile puppet talks. Lauren Graham. Jessalyn Gilsig. Fruit Bats perform.

Last Call: From the Museum of Death. Masi Oka talks about his role on Heroes and his love for manga. An artist who paints on nude women. The Doves perform.

Thursday October 29th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: The war between the White House and Fox News had Jon showing how much trouble Fox News causes and how they claim to be opinion shows and not news. NYC Mayor Bloomberg said in 2005 that it would be wrong to extend term limits, but now wanted them extended so he can run again. Wanda Sykes.

Letterman: Wind blows away Phillies batter. Northwest offering accommodations for those who ride with bad pilots. Dave has moose jerky for Palin. Top 10 revelations in Chad Ochocinco’s new book presented by him. Tom Hanks shows a clip of his flight’s flight pattern and it spelled out Dave. He talks about a trip and how his car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere. Weezer performs.

Conan: Edited footage of people asking Kate Gosselin mean questions. Smokey the bear tells a guy he’ll bite off his genitals if he starts a forest fire. Brian McCann goes around the office thrusting his crotch into things including pushing the elevator button, cleaning a desk and rocking a snack machine. Conan visits a Ford dealership and has a lady show him the new Ford Taurus. Then he has his old Ford Taurus there and shows off its broken and old features to her. Denis Leary talks about bats and the movies he’s done that he thinks are bad. Bat expert Rob Mies brings out a wide variety of bats. The Swell Season performs.

Fallon: Jimmy is Robert Pattinson in his web series, Bothered, where he talks about little things that bother him. Three audience members play a thinking game where they try to think the hardest about pumpkins, but the last guy thinks about a pumpkin pie slice covering a man’s crotch and then his prize is that actual guy. Carrie Fisher talks about her stage show. Then she performs a scene from it. Sam Rockwell talks about filming Moon and another new movie. Mastadon performs.

Ferguson: Lauren Graham voices a cat puppet that talks to her boyfriend, Craig’s crocodile puppet. Newt Gingrich. The cat and crocodile talk again to end the show.

Last Call: From a butcher shop where Carson cuts meet throughout the show. Derek Luke. Surfer Anastasia Ashley. Black Lips perform.

Wednesday October 28th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: The public option is back on the table and some people in Congress sang a song to influence people. John Hodgman gives suggestions on how to reform Wall Street. A Palestinian leader and an Israeli author discuss Palestine.

Letterman: Philly mascot has swine flu mask over his beak. Clip of a guy driving a taxi recklessly. Northwest giving out sleep miles while your pilots sleep. More fun than reading the Palin memoir: decompressing improperly in a hyperbaric chamber. Dave again talks about trying to get Palin on the show. A fake Mayor Bloomberg is on the phone and he gets the team the Yankees are playing wrong. Top 10 questions on the Northwest Airlines pilot job application. Patrick Dempsey talks about driving race cars and his fragrance line, then Dave pulls the old fake clip gag on him. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig talks baseball. Sting performs.

Conan: A tennis player bounces all around the court in fast motion. Saw VI ad shows that the next form of torture will be dizziness. Smokey the Bear appears by a camp and the guy’s wife disappears then he says he ate his wife and will eat anyone who stars a forest fire. Audience Plugs included a Chinese music video with English subtitles promoting a guy’s daughter’s Halloween party, Conan doing the Arnold voice for a guy’s DJ company, a fake Ben and Jerrys carton for some woman’s old mattress, and cheerleaders cheering about some guy’s concert. Chris O’Donnell talks and shows a newly made video of him edited into an LL Cool J music video. Ski racer Lindsey Vonn talks about the expectations for her to become the Michael Phelps of the Winter Olympics and a bad crash she had. Uncle Kracker performs.

Fallon: A video where staffers who enter Jimmy’s office can only see the person who entered before them and then Jimmy tries to make a chart of who can see who. This was basically a bad SNL sketch, yet still better than the terrible sketches SNL has been churning out lately. Moustache fights had Jimmy, as some angry guy, and Higgins on commentary while Wilford Brimley’s and Geraldo Rivera’s moustaches fought. A detective Jamface ad took up the whole screen again when the end of the fight came. Edward Norton talks about training to run the NYC marathon, his charity program and his Obama documentary. Hulk Hogan talks about his book, almost killing himself and his return to wrestling. Weird Al Yankovic chats for a short bit then performs his Charles Nelson Reilly song with a huge green screen of the video behind him, this was great.

Ferguson: Craig says the lights going out in his studio yesterday was a news story on CNN. Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Rodrigo y Gabriela perform.

Last Call: From a glass shop. Kate Flannery from The Office. Figure skater Johnny Weir. Comic Kevin Christy does standup.

Tuesday October 27th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: George Bush wants to make “ridiculous” money giving speeches, but his first one is only charging $19 per office. Afghanistan issues. Wyatt Cenac reports on people boycotting and then others boycotting Whole Foods. Author of Freakanomics, Stephen Levitt.

Letterman: Fidel Castro’s sister is him in a dress. New tickets at Northwest Airlines will fly you wherever the pilots wake up at. Kate Hudson shoots lazers out of her eyes that disintegrates the opposing team’s player. Dave continues to talk about how he wants Palin to appear on the show. More fun than reading the Palin memoir: getting your head crushed in a vice. Top 10 signs you’re watching a bad ghost movie. Courtney Cox talks about cougars and her show Cougartown. Her mother is in the audience in the balcony and it’s her birthday so they get out a ladder and Dave climbs up to hand her roses. Bill Nadelseder talks about the life of the comics, including Dave, who moved out to LA to perform on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show, their labor actions to be paid and Dave does a Jay Leno voice when Bill mentions him. Florence and the Machine perform.

Conan: Colonel Sanders tricked a UN official to meet with him so we see a pic of the Mcdonalds burger guy meeting the Pope. Smokey the bear say’s if you cause a fire he’ll behead you with his shovel and pee on your corpse. An ad about drugs making your brain enter hell shows The View with Heidi Montag as hell. A list of new Northwest Airlines pilots that wouldn’t be able to fly including La Bamba. Andy Richter tries on jeans that Oprah endorsed and then has a crappy contraption that launches paper planes. Gary Shandling. Paula Deen cooks with Conan, Gary and Andy. Julian Casablancas perform.

Fallon: Questions with Quest has him asking himself interesting and ridiculous questions. Cell Phone Shootout included a dumb as shit lady who showed a picture that wasn’t even on the reel, so she got a 15 second rave instead. Artie Lange cracks jokes like usual. Olivia Munn talks very little about her show and entertains Artie’s lame comments. Then she sings some dirty eurotechno song she made up called “ass in your face.” Then she brings out Susan Sarandon and all 4 of them play ping pong. Chef David Chang only gets a minute since everything else took so long.

Ferguson: Craig dressed as a pirate and the rest of the usual crew lip synch to In The Navy. Dear Aquaman with Tim Gunn had them all dance in fast forward. Alicia Silverstone talks about her vegan diet and some old memories of Craig. As the interview was wrapping up all the lights went down. Craig ended the interview, but when they came back with Salman Rushdie the lights were on again since they filmed it earlier. Then during “what did we learn on the show tonight Craig” the lights were off again and Craig did it with a flashlight saying that the whole building had a power outage.

Last Call: From the DJ Hero launch event. Yvonne Strahovski talks mostly about her new movie and a little bit about Chuck returning. Director of the Lebron James documentary, Kris Belman. Mike Posner performs.

Monday October 26th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: Bernie Madoff is eating pizza made by a child molester. The Catholic Church is trying to recruit Anglicans and John Oliver has comments including making fun of Jon being Jewish then trying to recruit him to Catholicism. Legislature addresses the issue of net neutrality including John McCain supporting it, whose reasons are questionable. Susie Essman. Jon checks in with Stephen and he says Tracy Morgan was hilarious on the show then admits he doesn't watch it.

Letterman: I need to watch the very beginning of Letterman online. Dave shows the clip of Biff rubbing down A-Rod. Clip of Donald Trump firing a guy is supposed to be Ivanka’s wife. Ad for Northwest Airlines showing what they do to ensure their pilots can fall asleep. Pitcher falls through a hole in Yankee Stadium. Dave tells a story of his son going to kindergarten, then how he went to a magic show with him and Dave does a simple magic trick. Things more fun than reading the Palin memoir: getting chopped up by helicopter blades. Top 10 Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses. Charles Barkley talks about the current state of basketball and his golf game. Cheryl Hines tells stories and talks about poker. Harper Simon performs.

Conan: Obama’s words edited together to say sometimes women need to be smacked across the head and other sexist comments, kinda messed up. Smokey the Bear with a shovel saying he’ll bury you alive if you start a fire. Levitating things supposed to be carried by a ghost upsets Conan’s vampire assistant Cody Deveraux so he goes outside and burns in the sun like usual. State Quarters with jokes on them including Connecticut’s saying “Where the White Things Are.” Kathy Griffin. Capt. Chesley Sullenberger talks about that day and the aftermath. Wolfmother performs.

Fallon: The set is decorated for Halloween, it looks kinda ugly though. But they finally replaced those terrible guest couches. Paintings of Elvis doing things or with people from pop culture. Freestylin with The Roots. Willem Dafoe talks about why he doesn’t do comedy and more. Tim Gunn talks about Project Runway and his small role in Sex and The City 2. Har Mar Superstar performs.

Ferguson: Craig shows a clip of himself in a cheesy scary movie playing a vampire who gets hit with a mallet by a couple of people. Henry Winkler comes out to talk about Halloween. Sherri Shepherd. Author Alex Dryden.

Friday October 16th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Real time: An ad for the army trying to entice gay guys. Alec Baldwin is on the panel. Gary Shandling joins the panel. New Rules: People in California have to drive faster in the rain. Don't send two news vans to cover Dancing with the Stars. The MJ movie "This Is It" is not it, there will be a lot more exploitation of his death. Republican have to stop naming their lobbying groups after maxipads. Stop scaring us with 2012 doomsday and the real scary thing in 2012 is Sarah Palin. George Bush did not get rid of the comedy because the Republicans are still funny. To end the show and season, Bill goes through the year and the many stupid Republican figures and actions.

Letterman: Madoff countdown. John McCain will be in AARP’s all nude edition. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: water torture with a clip of a guy being drowned in a bathtub. Fun Facts. Top 10 signs you’ve received a bad flu shot. Uma Thurman talks about the cast on her wrist, a trip, Halloween and her new movie. A free flu shot for an audience member has a crew member make believe he blows a needle into the audience and a plant fakes having a needle in his eye. Tim McGraw talks then performs.

Conan: Mcdonalds ad on the helium balloon. News covers a story of a dog stuck on a skateboard. Conan shows Megan McCain’s sexy photo, then shows a fake shirtless John McCain photo. Max Weinberg is in Mayor Booker’s actual office in Newark and hangs up on people on the phone. Conan has the staff put some Newark scenery in the background of his set. Triumph at a dog clothing store, this was really not at all funny, what the hell is going on with this show? Mayor Cory Booker says he has always been a fan of the show and was upset to see his city being dissed, talks about how he got a lot of hate for saying he would ban Conan from the airport, and about Ice-T’s thought that Conan was getting played by flying Booker out here. Conan asks how about they have a Newark Joke Jar so whenever Conan makes a joke about the city he has to put in $500. They bring out a huge glass jar and Conan makes a joke so he has to put the first $500 in. Then he talks about actual issues in the city and Conan gives him two checks from himself and NBC donating $100,000 to a Newark fund. Young actor Max Records talks about how he was cast in Where the Wild Things Are and working on the movie. Dashboard Confessional performs.

Fallon: Jimmy mentions that people think Miles makes a good woman in the Housewives sketch. Weekly thank you letters. The black guy from Housewives of Late Night is in the audience and he’s super excited when his section gets free foot measuring devices and an ad plays for his album about foot measures. Eddie Izzard talks about his new movie. Gina Gershon talks about hanging with The Roots at Bonnaroo and plays some twangy instrument with her mouth. Comic Amy Schumer does standup, she rocks and she’s the daughter of a NY politician!

Ferguson: The big “party at Elton John’s house” sketch wasn’t that good just like Craig said it wouldn’t be. Toby Keith talks. Michelle Monaghan. Toby Keith performs.

Last Call: From a CPR class. Basketball player Ron Artest. Eva Amurri talks about her character being a stripper. Natasha Leggero talks about herself then does standup.

Friday October 16th Daytime Talk Show Recap

Regis: Anderson Cooper guest co-hosts and talks about the balloon kid and other current events. Kelly announces she and her husband will be returning to All My Children. Penn Badgley talks about dealing with the Gossip Girl fans, going overseas and his new movie. Kelly and Anderson try on a bunch of Halloween masks.

Thursday View: Kara Dioguardi co-hosts and talks about American Idol. Tina Fey talks about winning Emmys, 30 Rock, Tracy Morgan’s book that disses their SNL castmates and about an upcoming movie. Giles Marini talks about his role in Brothers and Sisters and Dancing with the Stars. Gloria Gaynor performs I Will Survive.

Thursday October 15th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily show: Dow is above 10,000 finally, like it was in 1999. Swine flu is incoming and news networks raise questions about the vaccine. Jon thinks they are stupid. A republican website tries to reach out to young people, but fails. The guest is an author of a book about the market. Jon checks in with Stephen and they won't pay attention to each other.

Letterman: Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: getting sucked down a kitchen sink. Hottest prime minister’s head put on a sexy body. Cheney picture with the eyes moving again. Ad for seniors to get $250 bonus has very complicated steps. Small Town News. Top 10 Bernie Madoff observations presented by an old guy in a jail uniform supposed to be Bernie. He said to Dave “thanks Jay, its great to be here on 10 at 10.” Don Rickles makes fun of people like usual, talks about going to a play, talks about the mob then a sandbag falls onto Dave’s desk, tells stories about Frank Sinatra and other old time guys and tells the story of Shecky Greene being saved by Frank. Built to Spill performs.

Conan: Hillary just nods her head or laughs when asked questions in an interview. Kid who was thought to be in the flying balloon is aboard a cruise missile, then he’s not, instead he’s driving his father’s car. Andy is taking his pills and by mistake takes Cialis. Then they do an ad in the style of the commercial where they are having fun in a grassy area including sitting in bathtubs outside then getting up naked. Conan says since Mayor Booker is finally coming here he has a LA douche wardrobe for him which he shows and that he will be dumping all his Newark jokes in a Newark dump. Then he spins a big wheel to see which city he will make jokes about next and Detroit takes up 95% of the wheel so it wins. John C. Reilly talks about scary moments and his new movie. Sanjay Gupta talks about doing brain surgery and about suspending animation in people. Comic Matt Braunger, from MadTV, does standup.

Fallon: Real Housewives of Late Night included them going to the gym, one of them wanting to make a song with The Roots and Jimmy breaking a wall. Video of the Late Night intern trading up a red cup to a television which he drops. Then Jimmy chats with him via webcam and says Sharp is sending him a flat screen. Gerard Butler talks about preparing for SNL, his new movie, tells a story about singing something and then sings with Jimmy. Ivanka Trump talks about her upcoming wedding, her book and then she plays beer pong again with Jimmy and he loses again. Hockey performs.

Ferguson: A promo hyping the “party at Elton John’s house” sketch making it look like a sitcom. Forest Whitaker’s light is out so he sits in the other seat and Craig sits next to him. The Mythbusters guys Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman talk about the show and they give Craig one of their fart’s in a glass container. A Fine Frenzy performs.

Last Call: From a music and sport art gallery. Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs talks about how the show came to be and his inspiration for it. Racecar driver Elisa Geving. Keane performs.

Wednesday October 14th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: A baby is denied health care for being too fat. More health care talk and a female politician who voted against her party. Fine print in a government contract said a woman couldn’t sue if she got raped. Author Barbara Eidenreich is the guest.

Letterman: Madoff clock again. Prison fight footage again. Cheney picture with moving eyes again. Kim Jong Il was named the hottest world leader so they have a pic with Kim’s head on a muscular body. Capt. Sullenberger signing books in the river with himself and a desk floating. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: microwaving your head, then it exploded. Obama dancing to Spanish music is cool, the old clip of Bush dancing to African music is not. An excerpt from Paul Shaffer’s book says Dave is just as funny off camera but video of him in an elevator with Paul shows he really isn’t. Top 10 signs your toddler watches too much television. Tina Fey talks about 30 Rock, the Emmys, a photoshoot, losing her virginity at age 24, her kids and the weirdness of Judah Friedlander. Chris “Mad Dog” Russo goes crazy talking about sports like usual. Mika performs.

Conan: A meter that gauges Bill Clinton’s hopes for winning the Nobel Peace Prize is an arrow coming out of his crotch area that keeps going up, but then when Obama wins it goes downs and shrivels up. Gov. Arnold’s talking while a video is playing but then they video ends and we see Conan still doing the voice. More chaos going on outside over the rainfall then Conan comes out to calm them all down. Celebrity Survey, terrible this time. Serena Williams. Ken Jeong makes a joke about Serena’s anger, talks about being naked in The Hangover and about Community. Rascal Flats performs.

Fallon: The show opens with I presume a clip from Monty Python of a guy running up to a beach from the water and uttering a word I couldn’t understand. Jimmy talks about how much he liked Monty Python when he was young. Then he shows a video of some Monty Python clips. John Cleese joins Jimmy for a super ridiculous Wheel of Carpet Samples. John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle and Terry Jones sit down with Jimmy in a round table style first joking around a lot then talking about the old sketches and their new DVD. Eric Idle performs Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

Ferguson: The news covers a storm with a clip of a huge wave destroying a city. The promo hyping Friday’s “party at Elton John’s house” sketch now with a horror theme. Paula Poundstone stops by and does emails with Craig. Kristen Bell and Craig have a lot of fun in their interview talking about Craig’s tattoo, Betty White, embarrassing moments and more. Robert Carlyle.

Last Call: I need to watch this entire thing online because of my stupid Dish!!! From a ski shop. Charlie Hunnam talks about Sons of Anarchy. Olympic luger Erin Hamlin. Phoenix performs.

Tuesday October 13th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: Jon talks more about the lack of news coverage for the gay rally in Washington including show how much time Fox spent covering the tea parties and the rally over the school song about Obama, yet so little effort for the gay rally. Then a video of John Oliver at that gay rally asking them why they so badly want marriage and to be in the military and John believes they want to start a gay army to fight for marriage. Second segment coming soon.

Letterman: 6 months added to Madoff countdown clock for a prison fight. Video of Martha Stewart prison fight is just an old clip of women fighting in a prison. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: eating an eyeball from a yak carcass is a video clip of Bear Grylls doing it. American gothic painting has Cheney’s and Bush’s head photoshopped on. The Dick Cheney painting with the moving eyes again. Larry King says funny mispronunciations of “e coli outbreak.” An ad for Paul’s book makes a big deal about all his other accomplishments, but only shows Dave for a second. Dave has a button on his desk so he pushes it and Tom Hanks comes running out. He gets mad that Dave pushed it for no reason. Dave pushes it again and Tom warns him. Sienna Miller talks about her play. Dave pushes the button again and Tom takes it and throws it into the audience. Aziz Ansari talks about his parents, his career and feeling out of place when hanging out with Kanye. Dead by Sunrise performs.

Conan: Marge is in playboy so Conan shows us Olive Oil, Peppermint Patty, Speedy Gonzalez and He-man with Skeletor also posing naked. Brian McCann reporting outside on the rain again, but this time there is actually a little rain, but he overreacts including being joined by a sweeping robot and the national guard. Conan compares Newark to Los Angeles and somewhat makes LA look bad. An ad for a service that lets you buy a freckle on Conan. Ice-T talks and shows a clip of a Conan avatar doing his scissor dance in an online game wearing tight pants and a little shirt with Coco on it. Eddie Izzard. The Flaming Lips performs.

Fallon: Slowjammin the news about young people not being able to find jobs and they make it sound sexual. Jimmy looks through audience members’ pockets and purses. Andy Samberg and Jimmy joke around a lot and Andy talks about the VMAs and SNL. Then Andy starts making music with a pen, Jimmy joins by making sounds, then Higgins, then Akiva and Jorma who are on camera, then Will Forte and Fred Armisen who pop up from the trapdoor, and then the Roots to all make one big song. Greg Proops tells some jokes, talks about his new series then plays a quick improve game with Jimmy where they only talk with questions. A Greek chef cooks with Jimmy and they smash dishes.

Ferguson: Craig talks about appearing on Larry King tonight. Then of course they do a Larry King of the Jungle sketch where he say his farts make better music than Justin Timberlake then lets one loose. Another promo for Friday’s party at Elton John’s house sketch, this time in Spanish. Tim Robbins. Adam Goldberg.

Last Call: From a record store. Chris Kattan talks about the differences in SNL now compared to when he was on and his new show The Middle. Musicians Nuttin but Strings talk about their beginnings and their unique style of only playing violins. Lily Allen performs. At the end of the show Carson gives a shutout to two people who lost their child to cancer and are doing a biking tour in support of cancer research.

Tuesday October 13th Daytime Talk Show Recap

Regis: Uma Thurman. Ivanka Trump talks about her upcoming wedding, wants Regis to come, Celebrity Apprentice and her new book.

View: Kaley Cuoco is the guest co-host. She talks about her show making geeks sexy and a variety of other hot topics. Alicia Silverstone has the hosts try vegan foods and talks about the lifestyle.

Bonnie: Christian Slater. Sophia Bush talks about her character on the show, a charity program she is working on and her career.

Monday October 12th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: There was a protest in Washington over gay rights but the news networks didn’t cover it. CNN dissects and fact checks an SNL sketch that said Obama hasn’t done anything. More health care talk and claims. CNN ends a lot of their conversations abruptly with the line “we’ll leave it there.” They also have a lot of problems with fact checking. Then Aasif Mandvi and John Oliver give their opinions on how bad the network is. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano is the guest and takes up two segments. Jon checks in with Stephen and Stephen makes himself look better.

Letterman: Creepy Dick Cheney painting has his eyes moving. Dip pork ribs into vicks vaporub to avoid swine flu virus. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: getting run over by a lawnmower. Dave tells some story about a guy who wanted to borrow money, but he has gambling money, then Dave says he made it all up. Nobel prize in physics went to the inventors of the digital camera but the pictures of them are blurry, red eyed or out of frame. New saints included the inventor of the power juicer. A CBS news program says Obama would be on the Tonight Show with David Letterman. Top 10 things Christopher Columbus would say if he were alive today. Gary Shandling talks about his old comedy show. Kaley Cuoco talks about stepping on Sigourney Weaver’s dress at the Emmys, a fender bender she was in and Dave shows a clip of a commercial she was in when she was young. Tim McGraw performs.

Conan: 60 minutes cuts to Andy Rooney but he’s sleeping. Report on sex offenders living in the woods shows Max Weinberg naked in a tent from that concert video they did. Brian McCann reports on incoming rain and freaks out about it. Conan says Mayor Booker is coming on the show Friday so he mentions the best things about Newark but they aren’t very good. Another staff member comes out with the guy who wanted black drinking because he wants a Jewish drinking day. Jamie Foxx talks and confirms that the naked picture of him on the internet is really him. Jason Alexander talks about being the test guest during Conan’s audition and about the Seinfield reunion on Curb. Grizzly Bear performs.

Fallon: Jimmy shows the clip of when the Roots band member said he would make sweet love to his woman for his birthday so now he sings a song about making love on Columbus Day. Jimmy shows the Miley Cyrus rap video explaining why she quit Twitter so Jimmy did one as Billy Ray Cyrus saying he is still on Twitter. Kathie Lee Gifford rambles about a lot of different topics then plays name that tune with Jimmy where they try to guess what song they are “lalala-ing.” Penn Badgley talks about being named after Penn brand tennis balls, taking college classes at age 14, helping to name a sandwich the Gossip Grill and his new movie. Love and Theft performs.

Ferguson: They air a promo hyping up a “party at Elton John’s house” sketch, which will be airing Friday, showing clips of it and the many times Craig has made that joke. Kristen Bell in a video reads an excerpt from Craig's book about acid. David Boreanaz. Author Mitch Albom. Dierks Bentley performs.

Monday October 12th Daytime Talk Show Recap

Regis: Forest Whitaker. Alicia Keys talks about her upbringing and some charity concert she is doing. Then she performs.

Rachael: Vanessa Williams. Miranda Cosgrove surprises a fan then talks about the show and her fame.

Ellen: Audience member talents included the guy on youtube who sings both male and female parts, this time he sang A Whole New World, also a woman who puts a hat on her head with her feet and a guy who does hopping tricks on a bike. Vince Vaughn talks then plays a game where he tries to guess what song audience members are humming. Scarlett Johanson and Pete Yorn perform, Scarlett was great. Then they talk about how the album came to be.

Friday October 9th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Real time: Shamwow snuggie now has swine flu mask with slot for food called the snugchow. Also the shamvow has the image of Jesus on it like the shroud of turin does. A Sarah Silverman video where she suggests they sell the Vatican to end world hunger. Sarah then joins the panel. New Rules: People need to stop destroying Netflix dvds and envelopes. Nobel committee shouldn't have had dummy Toby Keith performing. Gossip Girl needs to step up their game after all the latest sex scandals. Guy who painted jesus giving the U.S. the constitution is crazy. Stop giving us the yellow pages. Equal rights should mean gay rights, then Bill goes on about why politicians hate gay rights so much.

Letterman: McDonalds in Louvre made Mona Lisa fat. My Monkey baby inspires other weird animal babies of which attack their people. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: getting hit by a truck. Video of Andy Williams with singing guys with turbans who are supposed to be Al Qaeda. Late Show Fun Facts. Top 10 signs you won’t win a nobel prize. John Hamm talks about a variety of topics including working as a set dresser on porno flicks when he was starting in the business. True Tales from the Old West. Andy Kindler does standup then chats with Dave. Brett Dennen performs. The show was short so they ran the full credits then after it was some more footage of Dave and Regis on the marquee which was Regis talking about Jack Parr for about 30 seconds.

Conan: A long list of weird awards that Obama has won. Dr. Phil’s words edited together to say he wants all types of lesbianism. The Michael Vick special is him being attacked by dogs. Conan in a video package talks to the co-inventor of the USB making up jokes about it and his fame. This was all one big ad for Intel as he showed a 15 second commercial then made another one with the guy at the end of the bit. Jeff Garlin runs out because he doesn’t want to waste any time, but Conan makes them replay it. He complains about the thunder sticks at baseball games, then Conan shows a cheap ad that Jeff is in for his brother’s business, talks about Curb and Conan also shows a clip of a young Jeff in a spring break movie where he moons the crowd. Baseball fan Zack Hample talks about his strategies to get baseballs at games. Lady Antebellum performs.

Fallon: Jimmy’s weekly thank you letters included this good joke: Thank you Barack Obama, its 9 months into your presidency and you still haven’t pulled out of Afghanistan, just a heads up, things usually get a lot more complicated after 9 months if you haven’t pulled out. An audience member dips his face into 7 dips and his friend has to eat a chip with the dip on his face. Martin Short talks about his career, SNL and his characters. Jeff Lewis talks about his housing career and his eccentricities. Cory Chisel performs.

Ferguson: McDonalds in Louvre made Mona Lisa fat. Yes, the same exact joke that Letterman did, wow! Dear Aquaman with Tim Gunn. Craig wants a name for his cockatoo puppet and he says “I like a cockatoo.” Oh, Craig. Gerard Butler. Phoenix performs.

Last Call: From Undefeated sneaker store. Glenn Howerton talks about Sunny in Philadelphia. Speed skater Chad Hedrick. Cold War Kids perform.

Friday October 9th Daytime Talk Show Recap

Regis: Anderson Cooper co-hosts and talks about traveling, liking Novocain and twitter. Padma Lakshi. Joss Stone performs.

Bonnie: Kristen Bell talks about working in Bora Bora, her boyfriend Dax Shephard and her dogs. Danny Pudi talks about his family, Community and sings then dances to a Polish song. Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas talk about training for Dancing with the Stars and Melissa’s children. Then they dance.

Thursday October 8th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: Tom Delay drops out of Dancing with the Stars and Jon makes fun of his dancing. The administration’s plans about Afghanistan. Jason Jones talks about some strategies. The music video that the rapper who was on yesterday filmed about the recession, it was pretty stupid. David Gregory is the guest.

Letterman: Liberty has a Yankees foam finger on. Tom Delay’s ass falls off. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: walking into traffic. Dave talks to the fake Mike Singletary. Top 10 things in honor of Mike Bloomberg saying in an interview that he has been on the show doing the “ten things.” Kristen Davis talks about working on her new movie in Bora Bora. Biff Henderson’s “signs its fall in New York” is him stating facts about fall and Dave pisses him off by saying he thought we’d hear some jokes. Barry Sonnenfeld tells a story about steak and they have a big wind noodle thing in the studio.

Conan: Hillary Clinton in a video wants Conan and Mayor Booker to stop their bickering. Andy has detailed advice for Levi Johnston about posing for Playboy that makes it seem like he’s done it before. Conan wants Jay Z to buy NBC so he talks about some of the perks but they aren’t any good and he does a Governor Arnold voice to say he approves as well. Christian Slater. Race car driver Jimmie Johnson talks then he and Conan race each other around the building in golf-carts, of which Conan’s had a desk on his. Backstreet Boys perform.

Fallon: Basketball team announcement video makes fun of politicians giving them nicknames. Dance Your Hats and Gloves off. Christopher Meloni talks and they show a video of them doing a NBC cares video where they act funny while trying to dunk. Then they compete to get the most random items through a basketball hoop. Eve talks about Whip It. Chef Alton Brown makes a fruit smoothie with Jimmy by freezing fruit.

Ferguson: Dear Aquaman with Tim Gunn and the bondage staffer. Jean Reno. Sophia Bush talks about her love of guns.

Last Call: From a vintage motorcycle shop. Singer Joss Stone talks about her career. Professional bull rider Ryan Dirteater talks about the sport. Bat for Lashes perform.

Wednesday October 7th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: Obama delays meeting with Dalai Llama to not upset the Chinese. John Oliver discusses the issue. Wyatt Cenac interviews hip hop artists who discuss how the recession has affected them, but they are stupid problems. Wyatt speaks to one rapper’s posse to try and cut them loose. The guest is a man who bought a windmill in Africa.

Letterman: Louvre Museum opened a McDonalds so one of the statues is fat. Dave’s stand-in the old guy is backstage ready to go. Tuna can with a mounting peg allows you to put frozen heads on it. Nick Nolte’s mugshot is touched up giving him a haircut. Nobel Peace Prize Award is a mug with World’s Greatest Scientist on it. Things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: driving into a tree with a clip of it. Dave does a news headline for Action News. Video of Dave with his monkey baby, but it’s one of the male staffers with a baby hat. Another Action News headline. Top 10 signs the head of NASA is nuts. Vince Vaughn. Carey Mulligan. Rosanne Cash performs.

Conan: Elmo tells kids they should lie about being sick with swine flu to stay home from school and smoke cigarettes. Mayor Booker’s words edited together to say Newark is a toxic city, Conan is phenomenal and he was wrong. Conan goes outside to throw fake knives at Andy in front of the Universal tram and one of them hits his chest. Fake ad for a company selling weird animal fight DVDs. A staff member wants a day for black drinkers so he calls it happy black drinking day. Jason Bateman. Selena Gomez talks about growing up in Texas, working on Barney when she was young and preparing to take her driving written test. Toby Keith performs.

Fallon: Jimmy talks with Lenny Kravitz whose sitting in with the band then does a Bono impression. Letters back home from Questlove making fun of the other Roots members, a female writer talking about why she likes to write jokes about celebrities, an NBC page about his job and one from Jimmy. Animal Planet’s Zak George shows off some tricks with a dog. Chevy Chase talks about his time on SNL and Community. Eliza Dushku talks about her dogs, being from Boston and Dollhouse. Then she does a fighting routine with Jimmy including kicking him for real in the stomach by mistake and then mounting him on the ground. Lenny Kravitz performs.

Ferguson: Video of a satellite hitting the moon in the eye. Dear Aquaman with Tim Gunn. Rachel Bilson talks about filming her movie in New York and gets some advice from Craig on the best spots. Writer David Milch.

Last Call: From a golf company and their course. Juliette Lewis. Rollerderbier Rachel Piplica talks about the sport and her role in Whip It. The show’s old bandleader, Joe Firstman, performs. I kinda miss the old talkshow format now.

Tuesday October 6th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Daily Show: Modern Bride magazine is going out of business. Larry Wilmore talks about the current state of race, how people on Fox think Obama is racist and about playing the race card. Then Larry does a card trick where the ace of spades race card keeps showing up. Obama said he would end don't ask don't tell, but right now he has a lot on his plate. Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus.

Letterman: Dave’s understudy is an old guy. When the earth shoots a missile at the moon, the moon shoots a laser back and disintegrates us. Rush Limbaugh: Funnier without Audio is Rush flailing and bouncing around. Things more fun than reading Sarah Palin’s memoir: clip of Bear Grylls in a desert: “the only thing I can do … is to drink my own pee.” George Stephenapolis closes his eyes and snores while Alan Greenspan is talking to him. Top 10 signs you’re dealing with a bad cryonic preservation company. Band leader Paul Schaffer tells some long ass story about a song at the gay pride parade. Then he talks about how they choose songs for guests, Britney Spears not knowing who Bob Hope is and calling Paul the DJ and talks about Bob Dillon. Eliza Dushku talks about traveling as a kid and hunting. KISS performs.

Conan: Tom Delay’s bones creak and he makes sounds while he is dancing. Conan says they flushed Newark down the toilet in the wrong direction so now they do it again in the right direction. Conan shows that the band was watching a baseball game during the monologue. In the Year 3000. Edward Norton. Kristen Bell talks about her trip to Australia and the kangaroos there. Anvil talks then performs.

Fallon: Obama facial expressions turns into him thinking about a Teenage Mutant Turtles movie which then turns into Halloween. Lickin it for Ten included lick turning a textbook page, lick painting fall foliage on a tree, and three people licking three pumpkins off a ladder. Peter Sarsgaard. Lewis Black talks about Jimmy opening for him when he was young, his comedy act and his new standup special movie. They Might Be Giants perform.

Ferguson: Craig and the crew lip synchs to Mmn Bop. Dear Aquaman with Tim Gunn. Julia Louis-Dreyfus talks and doesn’t like Craig’s new tattoo. Avett Brothers perform.

Last Call: From a bar. Thomas Jane talks about Hung and sings a little tune with a guitar. Comedy group Pair O’ Nuts talks about their work. Anya Marina performs.

Tuesday October 6th Daytime Talk Show Recap

Regis: Larry David talks with Regis about their night out, Regis wants to hook up Larry and Larry talks about how he makes Curb. Larry tries to determine which glass of water is bottled and which is tap.

Monday October 5th Late Night Talk Show Recap

Monique Show Premiere: There was no monologue or comedy bits. The guests were Steve Harvey, some BET reality star and musical guest Jerimih. Pretty bad show I'd say.

Daily Show: Chicago loses the Olympic bid and Sam Bee tells us why Rio won. The news networks react and discuss the loss. Conservatives try to spin it as a good thing. Cap N Trade program tries to stop pollution, but politicians argue over its name. Author Sarah Vowell is the guest.

Letterman: Dave jokes about his scandal and other similar scandals, good jokes here. The old classic, a sneezing monkey. Dave clears up that his relationships were in the past and says he is working through it with his wife. Top 10 signs to ask yourself before adopting a monkey. Steve Martin has a different issue with Dave, he is upset he used his body for the Mommar banjo playing clip. So he shows a clip of himself playing the banjo at the UN conference. Steve talks about his banjo playing career then plays a quick tune, the lights flicker, sparks shoot out of the banjo and an explosion goes off. Steve brings out Martin Short and they do a quick ventriloquist act together then they both talk. Lea Michelle talks about her musical theater background, her show Glee and her and the cast getting tattoos. Steve Martin and his band perform.

Conan: Porno that had to cutback due to the economy has a guy doing the acts with his hands and it’s censored. Vampire Cody is joined by a zombie and he gets upset when the zombie crushes a sandwich, then runs outside and melts like usual. Andy is inserted into footage of Celebrity Rehab. Conan says there is a big scandal happening in late night, his feud with Mayor Booker. He goes through everything that already happened, then says that the mayor of another NJ city invites him there and Conan wants to get approval of all the cities surrounding Newark. Ellen Page talks about going to Amsterdam, bounces a soccer ball on her forehead and talks about training for Whip It. Kevin Nealon. Dierks Bentley performs.

Fallon: Jimmy poors a glass of champagne for his yacht rock party. He shoots sharks who shoot fire out of his eyes. Shared experience has the audience signaling the word Yacht Rock with flags while wearing a captain’s hat. Next shared experience is the audience singing Sailin’ to try and make a flamingo come out who eventually comes out and it is the bearded writer. Some guy does dance moves inspired by boats. Kristen Wiig shoots pasta out of her wrists, talks about the recent SNL, working on Whip It and fun she had with Jimmy and the cast there. Then she wants to do a sketch with a name dropping plant whom she voices. Next shared experience is the audience has swimming noodles which they must wiggle like a wave. Jimmy passes a boat across the audience wave to Kristen. David Wells talks about being drunk with Jimmy the night before he pitched the perfect game, becoming a baseball announcer and the Yankees. Christopher Cross performs.

Ferguson: Craig talks about Dave’s scandal and says he can’t make jokes about it because he’s his boss. Craig says his relationship with his staff is strictly professional then shows the bondage intern looking scared. Tim Meadows reports on Chicago losing the Olympic bid. Michael Sheen. Viola Davis. Jack Ingram is bumped off the show.